The 5 Phases of Loss

The 5 Phases of loss are Pain, Denial, Anger, Grief & Acceptance.

We have all experienced some sort of loss in our lives. Loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, loss of a job; no matter what the circumstances are, the psychological phase of loss is usually the same. We might not go through them in the exact order but the phases are the same. I will also admit that sometimes, I get through one phase and find myself reverting back to a phase that I thought I had already conquered. But when it comes to matters of emotions and matters of the heart, sometimes there is no logic and the human psyche can take us down a crazy path. The duration will be different for each individual, but the important thing is not to get stuck!

As basic as the 5 emotional stages of loss are, sometimes after we have been through the storm and are basking in the sun again, we can truly see where we were at each of these phases. I can distinctly remember my thoughts and fears as I reflect back on those times.  I would like to think that each time we are forced to deal with traumatic situations in our lives that we get better at it. This is not always the case and to some extent, life is full of never ending loss. The key is to balance it with bountiful gains! Choosing to focus on the blessings instead of the curses is the cure. Not always easy, but a must! You have to go through the process then move on…a letting go of sorts.

Pain is not pleasurable. It can be devastating and debilitating and make you want to crawl under a rock and hide. I always disliked when people would say, “time heals all wounds”. ARGH!  It makes me feel like we should just let our life pass before our eyes and not enjoy the journey, thus putting restrictions on our happiness (ie…”I’ll be happy when…”) What I have learned is that time does not heal wounds, but the passing of time puts distance between you and the cause of the loss or pain. Time also allows you to process through your emotions and to get to the acceptance that sometimes you just don’t have control of certain situations. Time will take away the initial “sting” of the wound to the point where you know you will eventually get through this and wear the “I Survived” t-shirt!

Denial is the disbelief phase or as I refer to it, the holy sh*t phase. You utterly can’t believe this is happening to you! You try and escape your own mind to avoid dealing with the emotions. You in some way think that you can change the outcome by denying it ever happened in the first place. If it is a death, you expect that person to walk through the door at any minute. If it is a break-up of a relationship you expect that person to change their minds and come running back.

Anger is the “why” phase. Why did this happen to me? You are mad at the other person and you are mad at yourself.  You can beat yourself up for your part in the events leading up to this point. The truth is that anger can be a good thing. It can help you move through the process quicker, draw closure and in many cases anger is a great motivator to move forward. The important part is to not linger there so long that it causes bitterness which is a time bomb to anyone. Guilty of this one myself sometimes!

Grief will make you feel like a part of you has died. There is an overwhelming sense of loss. This may be where depression sets in. You may not feel like getting out of bed in the morning but you must force yourself to get up and be present. Continue with your daily rituals to give yourself a sense of normalcy. Secluding yourself from the world will only make matters worse. Yes, you are still trying to process the entire situation, but life still goes on. Part of you still wants to play life like a chess game…”if I do this, maybe this will happen”. Or you can go through the…”I swear I’ll change” scenario’s. None of which will change the situation.

Finally, Acceptance! You have gotten to the point where you are beginning to move forward. You are at a point where you know that you deserve to be happy again. It does not mean you forget or that you won’t have moments of any of the above phases. Those moments are usually triggered by a memory or a daily situation.  Whether the loss is from a death or dissolution of a relationship, it is always a good thing to remember the good times; the memories that put a smile or smirk on our faces.  Those happy moments were a real part of your life and contributed to who you are today.

Always keep in mind that you need to nurture yourself and not feel guilty about it! Get out there and have some fun and create new and exciting memories! You must take care of your entire being…and this means your spiritual, emotional and physical health. If you are struggling, seek professional help. That is what they are there for!!

Most importantly, remember to surround yourself with authentic friends. Only allow yourself to open up to those that truly care and will support you, not the ones that are just looking for a tidbit of information to gossip about. I do realize that when you do go through a loss, you may find out who your “real” friends are!  Been there, done that!! 

One of the best pieces of advice I once got from a very dear friend was to “keep an open heart”. It is so easy to build walls and to let our hearts become hardened by loss and hurt. Perhaps it is a self-defense mechanism, but the loss and lessons we learn during our lives are designed to make us better not bitter. We must learn not to carry over that baggage into our future relationships. Ultimately it is a choice… a choice to be able to have true intimate connections, to love freely with all that we are, with honesty and a depth of authenticity that only an open heart can share.

Just Sayin’,

Christina